Sometimes we Laugh, Sometimes we Cry...

Welcome to the blog. Today has been an emotional day.

I started my day in the usual fashion - overslept my alarm, hit too much traffic, was late for an important meeting leading to crazily running through the park with my too-big boobs (rats have boobs too) hitting me in the face and generally winding me up...

But I have a tendancy to moan and complain  so I'm trying to keep it sweet.

Instead I'm going to tell you what happened to me today, and then compile a single list of all the reasons why I am peeved off.

So as I was saying. Today I had two important meetings. I'm currently flailing my way open -palmed and crazy haired through a Creative Writing MA. I am finding this experience difficult, but very enjoyable. The problem lies not in writers block or any other writerly type things, more  the realisation I'm not actually as good at these things as I thought I was, so keep reading at your own peril...

The two meetings were actually very helpful in giving my work some kind of structure. I was somewhat reluctant to go in and start the meeting with "Ok, I've realised I'm rubbish, and I've got nothing for ya." So I jotted down some ideas and we went from there. The topic I have most (perceived) trouble with is poetry... A la,

I am sh(it),

I know it...

But I digress.

Like I said, I didn't really want to go in waving defeat before I'd even started, so last night I decided to trawl my old laptop folders for any traces of work I might be able to use. I was in luck. Between various internet downloads and jargon folders I'd squirreled away a folder in the hopes that no one wandering through my files would ever find it.

 It was titled "Crappy Poetry."

I was obviously on to a winner.

Inside were various woes and troubles about weight issues; with lines such as;

Chloe doesn't have face rolls,

Or a muffin top,

I ate the muffin,

And can't fit into the top.

And I started to see a pattern forming in my scribbles. For some reason I was fixated with this beautiful girl named Chloe, who I believed never ate, just drank cups of coffee. There were, of course, various other pieces, with great titles such as "Love, do not wait for me!"  and other gems of insanity, but I had decided that my forte was definitely somewhere between novelty poems and the rubbish bin.

I had also been keeping a little folder of "writing inspiration" to draw upon from time to time. As I entered the meeting, I hadn't realised that I'd brought the folder, and quickly flipped to the first page.

"So, fat-bradley, what ideas have you come up with for this portfolio?"

"Erm, well," I quickly flipped through the folder "I've been keeping this little folder of inspiration, and found a story about an octopus who thought an old paint-pot lid was his home..." I babbled.

My lecturer looked at me questioningly.

"I also saw a facebook status about a fake deer that was used for shooting practise, you see, there was this other deer that came along and thought that it was a real deer, so it decided it would be its mate and stayed with it, er, until its head came off..."

Lecturer; still deadpan.

"Or, I like the idea of secrets? And er, dieting? And we all know some skinny bitch that we want to kill? But maybe that won't come across to other people as funny. I mean, when I'm writing it I think I'm funny, but er, maybe other people... er...won't."

I stopped in my tracks to try and pull the conversation to a better direction. The lecturer was obviously thinking the same, as he asked "So, which of these ideas do you think would tell the best story?"

"Er, probably the octopus...?"

His eyebrow twitched.

I admitted defeat and made a mental note to rip the octopus photo up once I got out of the class. My lecturer told me that in order to tackle this mammoth portfolio that I have to hand in at some point (contraining poems, poems! ) it would be good to jot down a list of things in life. Things I enjoy (food). Things I dislike (everything) and told me there was much to be said about things in the world that annoy us.

You're telling me.

So, I decided to get to work! Usually I'd give you guys a big long rambling blog about all the things that went wrong with my day, and why I want to tip coffee over the next skinny blonde I see and make her pay for all the injustices delivered to me as a ginger rat flopping through this world, but instead I have a nice little condensed list. Enjoy!

Things that have Annoyed me Today

(I will compile a more extensive list of things that annoy me in the whole wide world at a later date, for now we will start in chronological order.)

• Alarm clocks.
• Brushing my teeth and realising that they are distinctly more yellow than they were last year, and vowing to give up coffee.
• Last night I made soup, then after trying it refused to eat it on the basis that it was disgusting. My boyfriend  however, declared its deliciousness to the heavens, and so I piled it all in a big tupperware box for him to take to work with him the next morning, insisting if he liked it so much he could have it. All. Upon entering the kitchen, I notice he has forgotten it. Spend most of journey to uni wondering whether he left it on purpose.
• Traffic.
• Having to make snap decisions of abandoning your car somewhere and legging it to uni to try and combat the traffic.
• Having boobs that are too big and hit you in the face when you run.
• Having shoes that give you blisters, especially when you've abandoned your car 3 miles away and anticipating the long old journey back to it.
• Important meetings, for which you are idea-less.
• Hitting a dud topic such as octopi in said important meetings.
• Finding old poetry that sucks.
• Being reminded of emotional black-spots such as skinny blondes in old poetry, and consequentially being reminded of your own ginger flabbiness.
• Realising that it's not even twelve o clock when you want lunch.
• Having to try and come up with material for two hours, when you're really just counting down the minutes until you can go get lunch.
• The fact that I can't get my writing to align on the left hand side of the screen. I freaking hate writing centre screen. (Update, it is six months later and I have come back and changed it! Hurrah for personal progress!)
• Emailing boyfriend to ask him why he left soup, and having to ask detective-like questions to cleverly identify whether the soup was in fact left on purpose.
• Twelve o clock finally coming, me leaping out of my chair in glee, racing down to Costa to purchase a single cup of hot water to stir in my disgusting purchased packet of diet, calorieless/flavourless soup in to discover that I have actually LEFT MY SOUP PACKET IN THE GODDAMN HOUSE!!!
• Realising that I am going to go all day until six o clock until I can eat.
• Crying in public.
• Sitting, questioningly, pondering whether I am crying because I am hungry or because the coffee machine has started charging 30p more than last year for a cup of disgusting machine crap.
• Having to drink coffee as meal substitue and cursing that bitch Chloe.

Over and out rat-lovers,

 fat_bradley x